No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
