pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize