the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
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