Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
