So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize
