im drinking this country out of the recession.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
