It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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