new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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