took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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