i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
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