He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
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