im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
