True but thats because hes a fetus.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
As shirtless as possible
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
