Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
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