I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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