Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
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