I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
