every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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