Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Randomize
