Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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