Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
