i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
