Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
