if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
