I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
