Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize