3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
