Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Randomize
