Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
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