So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
