Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
We were destined to go to rehab together
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Randomize
