We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
