All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
