Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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