She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
