I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
