I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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