im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
