i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
