my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
