I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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