Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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