I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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