Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
