Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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