Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
