I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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