she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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