i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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