Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
