tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
