The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
