I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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