I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
