I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
