I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
