Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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