True but thats because hes a fetus.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
