btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
