Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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