He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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