thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
